Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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