for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
