One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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