Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
