You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
