Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize