You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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