I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
