My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
