You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
