I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
