Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
