Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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