mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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