I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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