please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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