I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
