I will die if light touches me.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Your cock deserves a montage
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
