Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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