hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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