I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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