What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
