I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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