my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
