Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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