Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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