is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
