I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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