Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
