so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
