I think I died a long time ago.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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