I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
