my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
