my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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