I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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