I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
