i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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