I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
