I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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