You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
