god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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