ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
