why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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