I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
a search helicopter?!
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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