And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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