you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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