even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
