I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.