There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
