I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
