You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
