I can tuck mytits in my pants
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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