I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
