hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
