I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
