Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
