What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
