So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
