I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
