who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
