Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
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I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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