I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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